About writing #4

It took me a long time to start practicing this doctrine. Honestly, it was very hard. I would always fail whenever I tried to deal with my vices. I wasn’t consistent in it. I didn’t want to admit, but I loved my vices. We, people are slaves of our habits. We are the slaves of need, to be something, to define ourselves, mean something. Spirituality absolved me from this.

Quitting drinking was especially hard for me. What I don’t like about most gurus, positive thinkers and teachers is the misunderstanding of human element. What works for one person, doesn’t necessarily mean it will work for all people. To quit such habit based on mere reading of content on the subject isn’t plausible. Even more if the source of drinking isn’t investigated, acknowledged, fixed. The question remains. Can you defeat the source of your pain? Are you that strong?

Some people are, but they are less in numbers. It all depends on the situation and the person involved. Toward the end of drinking I couldn’t stand the smell of alcohol. It became….usual. The taste was awful. The liquid I drank looked solid and hard to swallow. Overly needed. I knew my problems wouldn’t disappear if I stopped drinking. I started drinking so frequently because I couldn’t deal with my own problems. I tried so hard not to drink, yet it was so hard to stay sober. Nights were the worst.

I couldn’t sleep. Alcohol would make me sleep. Every night I would collect as much money as I can, and then I would go to the liquor store to buy alcohol. I don’t mean a specific beverage of choice. I mean anything that has alcohol in its composition. I wanted to run away. Most of all, I wanted to live. I knew that. It was the time to stop running away and face myself. The problems were too great to deal with all of them at once. I wanted to start from the greatest ones. I needed a plan though. How can I accomplish this?

How do you deal with problems anyway? Whom do you turn to? Church, meditation, positive thoughts? What do these things even mean? I couldn’t get my head around it, for those practices and institutions were far more noble than I was. Prayer, meditation and such practices could improve a stable man. They couldn’t help me. I needed something different. I needed something that will guide me to the heart of problem. To take away its shell and leave with its honey.

I was on my bed. Night fell, bringing the stench of grim hunger. The one that is devoured by devouring. One that make us free by drowning us in soundless sea of desire that we are. I tried to resist. Relapse was awful. In the hindsight, I knew I couldn’t face problems directly  like that. After lot of thinking I came to a conclusion. I’ll put all my will in a single, concrete task that will help me. I devoted myself to writing. Everything I got, I invested in writing. That was the first night I didn’t drink. It was hard, very hard. I cried at some point. Life slithered from my fingers, leaving no trace. Alone, in that room God maybe forgot me. Others left. I found myself.

I wrote for days after that. Passion I had towards alcohol wasn’t really about alcohol. I was just passionate. It’s me who choose where to invest it. I invested it in writing. However, the boundless passion which compelled me to write wasn’t good enough. I lacked something. I was still very aggressive with urges to do bad stuff. I still wanted to drink. That was when I found attentiveness. I decided to stop just writing, but to attend to what I write about. To find answers to why and how should I write. My passion transformed. It wasn’t raw, it was erotic. Mine, noble, pure beautiful and higher than that. I’m not the best writer in the world. But this is pure. I let my word become spiritual. I changed.

Same goes for you. You can change. All I did was practice spirit economics. I discovered what I wanted from life and invested everything in it. I projected myself there and went to get it.

What you can start doing for yourself is:

Find what you love to do – Get to know yourself. Find what’s really worth spending your time. It doesn’t have to be a skill like writing. It can be your family. You are a mother in a hard financial situation? No problem, invest yourself in being a better mother. You can always learn more. Nothing is impossible.

Start doing it the right way – Do it, really. Learn about it as much as you can. Learn how to do it. Perfect your craft. What you want to accomplish has a price. You should think of it as job, leaving little room for emotion. This doesn’t mean lack of enjoyment. This means dedication. You need dedication and focus to better yourself, and that means not being slave to your emotions. You are the owner of yourself. What’s happening to you is merely your decision.

Be realistic, start today – Whatever your problem is, you better start working on it today. Be realistic in your expectations. If you want to better yourself, be reminded that you will not succeed on the first time. That’s what’s real. Nobody can do that. You don’t have to believe in yourself, just believe in your work. You are Moonborn. The chant of moon is within you. As long as you try, you can achieve what you truly desire.

Go and get it. You earned it.

Michael of Moon

You can follow me on Twitter or Facebook. If you are interested in my view on spirituality you can purchase my Ebook Introduction to spirituality, also available on Kobo and Inketera. You can purchase my fiction Ebook, God is us here.

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