Several years have passed. That part of my life ended, leaving consequences. I used to drink. A lot.
Alcohol and I always had a weird relationship. I didn’t drink because I enjoyed it. I didn’t do it to be cool either. I live in a country in which you can’t buy a high quality alcoholic bevarage if you are a college student. The best I could afford for myself were cheap beverages from the liquor store, or something made at home. It didn’t matter. I was in an unhealthy relationship. Also, I wanted to escape my life prior to the college one. It’s a dark story.
I could say that I used to drink because of my girlfriend or my parents. It would all be a lie. I didn’t drink because of them. I drank because I wanted so. I wanted to feel something, and I wanted that something to be nothing. I didn’t want to feel. It sounds like a cliché. I didn’t hit rock bottom because I wanted so. I hit it, because I needed to do so. The bottom calms you and gives you no judgement. When a man hits the bottom, he feels unbeliveable lightness. He doesn’t need to do anything.
I remember how I used to empty bottles. The bottles offered no smell or taste. It was just disgusting. I continued to drink until I saw the bottom of the bottle. Alcohol tolerance was my greatest enemy, economy wise. It was easier to get drunk in the beginning. I needed more to get drunk. The agressivness poured out when I was intoxicated. While drunk, I would behave like a demon. It felt good, just being who I really am. I was bad. Very, very bad. I can’t even begin to count the friendships that I lost as a punishment for such behavior. How many situations have I birthed which can’t be fixed anymore. My last girlfriend left after my violent fit. Luckily, she wansn’t hurt. However, I can’t recall what transpired on that day. I was drunk.
When I felt completely alone, the bottle was there. Sitting alone in your room drinking from the moment you wake up till you pass out is horrible. I imagine is worse than being in prison. I shudder when I remember this. Being like corpse, laying there, unable to answer the phone or do anything except for more drinking. That’s horrible. Wasted life.
After the split with my ex I continued the solo effort. I don’t know if I drank more when we were together or after that. I was on my bed when my eyes slid into the void. When I’m drunk I feel my body being light in heavyness. I feel I can do it, yet I can do nothing. I can’t see or stand. I was falling down the spiral. There was no way out. Until I started accepting things.
Maybe it’s not weird that I found myself in such position. Maybe I just didn’t stop drinking. I accepted that I must stop drinking. Maybe it’s not weird that I’m completely different person today.
When I accepted my problem there was no way I wouldn’t fix it. I couldn’t live like that anymore, especially since I knew there were no excuses. My ex is a thing of my past just like my parents. I don’t mean there is no love for my family. I don’t hate the ex either. I just moved on. What these people have done isn’t detrimental to my self-values. I stood elevated from my past and choose to be what I wanted to be, and not be shaped through these events.
I accepted myself. This was a life changing moment for me. Acceptance defused the possibility of others being responsible for my behavior. I’m responsible. People talk a lot about acceptance. To me, it sounds more like enabling.
The acceptance starts from ourselves – I recommend this. To accept yourself, you should dinstace from others and be alone. Then, you should reflect on your past actions, behaviors and thoughts. Who are you? What do you want? You must know your inner self. The only way to get to know your inner selfs to accept who you already are. Here, acceptance means acknowledgment of your negative traits that have been ruining your life all along. Also it means taking responsibility for the mistakes you’ve done. This means to measure oneself. You should measure who you are. When you do that in honesty, you’ve measured yourself.
Acceptance means change – Acceptance isn’t just taking responsobility. It is also about taking action. The acceptance which isn’t followed by action is enabling. Acceptance means taking responsibility for yourself. That means to change. Being responsible for yourself not just as a person, but as a human being. People shouldn’t change just for the sake of change. That is an empty endevaour that leads person only to more harm. People shouldn’t try to change if they truly don’t wish so. The change can occur only if it’s voluntary.
Acceptance is a matter of your will – In the end, it all falls on us. Nobody can make you change. That’s the biggest lies we were told from the start. Nobody can change you, ever, period. That’s just not happening. You change when you really want to do so. Only then when you invest in yourself the change can take place. People around you are powerless to do anything. Only you can do it. Only if you want it enough.
It’s true that is common for others to misjudge us. Personally, I’m not bothered by what others say. However, I find it horrifying not knowing who I really am.