As I write these words I notice something, a strain of ruthlessness in Autumn. A moment of poetry nonetheless. Autumn is unbelievably honest. I was on a train few days ago. I met a friend of mine whom I haven’t seen in a long time. We talked about mutual friends, jobs, life and other people. Suddenly, a person that used to be very close to me once, entered the conversation.
When we were younger, girls would always tell him he was good looking. Considering the fact that girls were actually turned on by him, it was unusual that he never was in a relationship before. I didn’t believe I would lose virginity before him, nor that I would have sex with more girls than him. We never really talked about that. I never understood that person. I denied that, because I wanted us to be friends. Even when I realized the makeshift nature of our friendship, I still tried to keep the bond intact. Then, he finally found himself a girlfriend. More accurately, she found him. The details of the outwordly ritual by which their souls melted into one escaped me. I didn’t care to know.
As relationship went on I noticed the change in him. In the beginning, he became captive to the illusion he brought to life. He believed he could break up with her at any time. Time passed, and he started sinking into a black hole. He disappered as entity, sinking in the cluster of her being. Being between light and shadow, but being nowhere. More mist than man. He became a stranger. They became one. In the end he encountered a common phenomenon. He couldn’t live without her. Today, they are still together. He’s miserable. I saw him few months ago.
The last I saw him was a year before that moment. All he talked about was his girlfriend. Their relationship got worse. He became a slave. She can hurt him whenever she wants. Now, he spends time only with her and rarely with his family. Everything he had, his freedom, he gave for this. He’s desperate.
I could say it’s her fault. That she led him to that point. That would be a lie. If I was to ask myself honestly who is to blame, it must be him. He didn’t even deserve that relationship. Some people deserve to be lonely.
The quality of people around us tell us the most about ourselves as persons. If he has no problem with her being his girlfriend, then we don’t have right to tell him anything. If he invested more in himself, he wouldn’t have this kind of problem. He wouldn’t be with her in first place. Contrary to the popular behavior and romance novels, I don’t believe people just “meet” each other. I think we choose each other.
The more I examine his case, the more I come to the conclusion that he never tried hard enough.
Unfortunately, people tend to stereotype beautiful women due to their beauty, envisioning them as shallow and empty shells. People also forget something. The difference between man and woman is biological. However, without consideration to our respective perspectives, human nature manages to prove itself universal, over and over again. Example of this are men like my friend. They are the empty shell well presented in the eyes of others. But they will never glow, never shine. There is nothing. Zero. Person such as him isn’t capable of chosing anything other than a emotionally unstable girl, few years younger than him. To make things worse, there is nothing wrong with girl, she just isn’t pleased with herself. People deserve to be loved, but even before that, they should love themselves.
Loving yourself, means growing to be a better person. Becoming that person. To embody that people should:
Strive to achieve emotional stability – From my friend’s case, I note that he never was emotionally stable. If he was, he wouldn’t got himself in a relationship with unstable person. Relationships aren’t institutions meant for fixing the broken. Broken people have an obligation to fix themselves. If they don’t do that, they can’t expect to be in a relationship with a person that has emotional stability. Therefore, they have their pick from the lowest tiers. They have to pick floor crumbs and be satisfied with it.
Invest in themselves – When we choose someone to be our partner, we chose them based on the characteristics that form their personality. However, we are never captivated by the personality itself. We tend to capture the wholeness of their being in all its dimensions. I can testify to that. When I started investing in myself, something interesting occurred. I didn’t have to resort to seduction anymore. Girls just seem to love me. Which is good, because I was really bad at seducing woman. Now, I tell them what I do for a living, what are my hobbies and it’s enough. Maybe they will like me enough to try to seduce me. My friend never invested in himself. Most of his time he spent playing computer game and having no interests at all. That is very dangerous. With that in mind, he sealed the number of possible partners who’s worth is similar to his. The girlfriend is not to blame, she’s just like that. He’s the one who couldn’t do better.
It comes down to what you really want – In the end, it all comes down to what you really want. I don’t believe that my friend doesn’t want to be with that girl. What else would he do? Go back to playing video games? Finish college studies? Hardly, he didn’t want to do that in the first place. I find that fitting. Not because I’m evil, but because he doesn’t seem to mind. Even after a thorough analisys, I think I missed something.
It’s a thing beyond him and me. It’s beyond human beings, and yet it influences us all. It can’t be put in words, but every human feels its presence. It’s an adventure really. I think my friend deserved to be lonely. To break up with his girlfriend. To try to strat all over again. Try new drugs, have sex with more girls. To read and explore knowledge he never knew existed. Being alone is the sacrifice in which we begin loving life.
Michael of Moon
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